Anger is a strong emotion that can be difficult enough when we experience it through ourselves, and even more distressing when we see a child enraged and frustrated. We must remember it is natural and acceptable for children to feel angry now and then as they are learning an emotional vocabulary. As adults we can teach children how to express their anger in how we ourselves feel and express our emotions.
Anger is the result of not having our emotions acknowledged or expressed and impacts our energy centres (chakras) by restricting flow. It is during the developmental years that we learn how to identify, acknowledge and express our feelings to develop emotional intelligence. As adults we teach our children how to feel and express their feelings mindfully. If we missed these lessons in our development years we can learn them as adults. We may be learning them at the same time we are teaching our children. This is a journey of karmic consciousness.
“The way you manage and express your feelings has a direct impact on your children”
Why am I angry? Why is my child angry?
We must first recognize anger often points to feelings of being ignored, insecure, unworthy, unloved, and inadequacy (and more). Anger covers up other vulnerable feelings and sudden outbursts are the repressed feelings that usually have nothing to do with the triggered outburst. They are uncomfortable feelings that have not been acknowledged, or expressed in a mindful way.
What to do?
As adults, daily meditation and self reflection are the link to developing emotional stability. We must learn to acknowledge our own feelings while teaching our children at the same time.
We also need to know how to act in the moment we are in the presence of an angry child. The same steps may be used for self healing.
Encourage your child to express his/her feelings often. This prevents repressing emotions. By encouraging, we support the development of the 3rd, 4th and 5th chakras.
- Talk about your own feelings and reflect the feelings of others. Notice and talk about people’s feelings through their expressions. They could be strangers or on TV. Don’t worry about being wrong. Learn through communication.
- “That woman looks happy”, “that man looks sad”, “that boy/girl looks annoyed”
- “No, I think they look worried”. We must expand our emotional vocabulary!
- When a child comments “he/she is dumb/ stupid” we can ask that same child “I wonder if you are annoyed because he/she interrupted our time together”. By using “I wonder, or I’m curious” we invite the child to communicate their true feelings without assuming we know.
Remain calm. When you are relaxed, children will be too. If you are stressed, children will be stressed
Take a few deep breaths, count to 10.
If necessary (and possible) take a time out yourself (meditate).
Set aside quiet time for yourself regularly.
Connect with other adults whom you trust to share your feelings.
Accept & Redirect
Accept and acknowledge your child’s difficult feelings and direct him/her to express in a productive way. Dismissing emotions (“don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal, calm down”) only makes the child feel they are not understood and adds more to the original frustration.
- When feelings are accepted, and expressed, children feel understood and heard, and they generally feel calmer. They do not need to take a stand trying to convince you of their unmet needs.
- Identify the feeling the child is experiencing. They will be relieved when you are correct and they will let you know if you are incorrect.
- Show your child how to express their difficult feelings. Encourage them to communicate what they are feeling, and where they are feeling it (chakras & body).
Examples:
Show you understand by guessing their feelings: “Are you disappointed you didn’t get what you wanted?”
Encourage appropriate expression of feelings: “You’d like your brother/sister to include you”
Resolve – “What is a better way to solve this problem?”; “Show me your feelings by (adult encourages) by hitting a pillow, drawing a picture, words
Manage Inappropriate Behaviour
Children need to learn aggressive behaviour is not acceptable.
Do not shout or scold as this indicates you have lost control and creates fear.
Take the time to get down to their level, look them in the eye, use a firm calm tone. “Jane, it is not okay to hit your brother, sister, me”
If the child stops behaving inappropriately (aggressively) give lots of praise.
If the child does not stop behaving inappropriately (aggressively), after you have given a warning, then it is appropriate to withdraw privileges, and give them a time out.
Meditation supports emotional intelligence with ourselves, children, parents, partners, family, and work. It is a life long journey of consciousness. We must remember we are doing the best we can always, and that we must be open to learning more. The classic quote “I wish I knew then what I know now” may leave us feeling inadequate. Truly, we know everything we need to know now and the less we criticize ourselves, the more we nurture our children and relationships.
