Relationships offer core foundations through which we change, grow and heal. Close relationships include partners, parents, children, siblings, lovers, and friends, with each bringing a personal interactive uniqueness to our lives. Of those mentioned, friendships fall into an especially unique category because, like partners, we choose them personally. Unfortunately, within some friendships there are hidden agendas and truths.
Most of you have, at some point or another, been involved in a friendship that is draining and exhausting. You reach a point where a curtain feels like it’s been lifted and you see yourself in relation to the friendship with new awareness and clarity. With this awareness, hopefully you recognize what you were trying to get out of the relationship for yourself. You may at first deny this underlying truth, that it is not you seeking to fulfill your own needs through your friendship. You think to yourself surely it can’t be you, it must be them. However blaming the other person is just an excuse to not look at your own stuff.
When your friendship experiences an awkwardness or tension there is something important for each friend to look at. There’s a karmic connection for each of you to heal and both of you have created this opportunity to grow, expand and heal. But it’s not easy to see yourself clearly while you are experiencing emotional turmoil. It’s easier to see your friend’s issues and not look at your own self truthfully. You think about everything you’ve done for your friend, how you’ve been there for them, and how you’re not getting back nearly what you’ve put into the friendship, etc. and the underlying, hidden expectations and attachments surface. This is an important time to step back, retreat and give your selves each some breathing room.
If you believe you are doing things for your friend then you are living with an illusion that is keeping you from looking at your own truth and reality. You are looking outside yourself, not inside. The answers are always within you and when you are honest and truthful with yourself you access your abilities to embrace and create freedom within your friendship and life in general. There is always something in every relationship specifically for you to learn. What you discover might surprise you.
The healing process begins by identifying the needs you are fulfilling for yourself. Are you giving your energy away to feel recognized, validated, worthy or loved? Do you not know how to say no or stop? Denying, judging yourself or invalidating your needs doesn’t help. Your needs are real but realize you may be operating off an internal message directing you to always give before you receive, or that the other persons needs are more important than yours. The truth is you need to take care of yourself first to be available for others. You have physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs.
No one can ever take your energy away from you without you, at some level, allowing it to be taken. Awakening yourself to this insight opens the doorway for you to change the way you use your energy and allows you to stop the energy drain by focusing on your own self healing process. Define your boundaries and heal yourself to stop the process.
Energy drainers feed off other people’s needs and vulnerabilities. When you stop allowing your energy to be taken by a friend (or give it to them), that friend will either heal or seek a new energy host.
That friend may not be ready to identify their needs at the same time as you. And distancing yourself from that relationship indefinitely does not mean you’ve healed it. It takes tremendous courage and trust to reconnect and work through the tension. However if the timing isn’t right, staying in the friendship may mean you are sacrificing yourself again, playing the martyr.
Remember it’s not your job to save or fix them! You’re not helping someone by giving your energy away to them. You’re actually limiting their growth as much as your own and are getting caught in a drama control game. Sometimes you just need to say no and walk away.
With defined personal boundaries you have the power to see yourself with clarity, neutrality, non-judgment and truth. If you are feeling overly emotional you cannot see yourself with neutrality and clarity. Every friendship is important and valuable but when a relationship becomes draining and feels abusive you need to step back, be honest with yourself and truthfully reassess why you are in that relationship.
Be responsible for yourself first, be still, listen to your heart and soul, and experience every emotion that surfaces – the guilt, anger, sadness, grief, joy, relief and everything in between. Be true to yourself and do things because you want to do them, not because you should or because it’s the right thing to do. Do what you want for yourself with kindness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness and love. Open yourself to experience your new found freedom and increased energy. Revised from VeraCity Newsletter Summer 2004 Edition. by Regina Kaiser
Great message, a Life’s Work for many of us, brave and clear minded enough to take responsibility for our wellbeing. Thank you Regina. All the best.
Thanks! Definitely a Life Lesson!